Thursday, October 12, 2006

Prepare Yourselves...

since i've been gone for a minute, i'm thinking y'all need an update of sorts, riiiiiiiiight?

for those of you on myspace and read my blogs (miguel, nev... ok just miguel and nev...oh shit and nique, can't forget the dope ass chick!) just humor me for a minute, there's other people that wanna read my shiz...LOL

anyway, here's some of the material that was written that i failed to post here as well.

(*drum roll please*)

Guess Who Came To Dinner??
well, actually she cooked the damn dinner.

it was none other than *drum roll please* "na na".
ya'll remember her right?...to refresh your memory, here . it's quite comical. if you're too lazy to click on the link, let's just say that the chick's proffession isn't what we girls dream of when we're little. there's nothing wrong with what she does to survive and i seriously have nothing against anyone's hustle, but the bitch is retarded!

moving on...

so i come home from my long day at work. *BTW, that was sarcasm cause my ass didn't get there til lunch time* and they're sitting watching "the matador". so i engage in minmal conversation as i speak with my friends, mr. kettle one and mr. red bull.

my friend bobby brought the movie over the other night so we could watch it. while i'm watching the movie, i ask him, "why is this movie called the matador?" cause james bond (pierce brosnan) and the talk soup (greg kinnear) guy's character ain't even close to a matador. he says, "i don't know." then i catch on to the reason for it's title. there's this scene in the movie where the characters are at a bull fight and pierce tells greg that the matador kills the bull with honor when he does it in one pierce to the head rather than jabbing the bull numerous times to death. and that's exactly what pierce does in the movie, assasinates people by contract, but kills them with just one shot. get the metaphor now? ok, seriously, moving on...

as we're sitting watching the movie, it was almost the end, and i ask them, "do you guys get why this movie is called the matador?" i explain to them the scene that they saw earlier and they all respond with the, "ohhhhhhh!"

then this is the best part of the night y'all.

"na na" says (in her squeaky ass voice), "that's why i didn't buy this movie cause it's called the matador and i thought it was gonna be about bulls and killing bulls and i didn't want to see all of that."

what.
the.
fuck.

bwahahahahahahaha...

then nevin looks @ me and says, "so um, you didn't want to see the movie contact cause you thought it was gonna be about contact lenses?"

i looked away and was dying of laughter inside cause i know he wasn't speaking to me, he was talking to her dumbass. and she's so dense that she didn't even catch on that he was talking shit about what she just said.

dammit that shit was funny.

dinner was pretty good though, i mean, you gotta have something going for you when you're a dumbass.

Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
ok. i love my homey por vida, BUT...

this mutha fucka done smoked my LAST cigarette 2 (maybe 3) days in a row. then and then i had this pack of shitty non-menthol cigarettes that another homey mistakenly bought, but for smoking purposes, i'll smoke the shit. i rather not, but hey, when you're desperate you'll smoke anything...well anything but crack. so there was ONE of those fucking cigarettes left, i go outside to smoke cause he's pressuring me to call my girl to see if she wants this shit we're tryna get rid of. i start calling her and start my trek to the balcony, guess fucking what???
that mutha fucka smoked that one too!!!

oooooooooooh... alls i could do was scream "i hate you." he then calls me on the celly (we live in the same house mind you) and tells me to keep the noise down.

what.the.fuck?

bwahahahahahahaha

oh and i didn't tell you the best part yet... he said he QUIT smoking, or tells people he doesn't smoke. shhhhhhhhhhhhiet, he smokes the HELL out my cigs man. oh and then he tells me he does it to "teach me a lesson"... "never buy just ONE pack of cigs." again........
what. the. fuck?

oh wait, there more. he has a pack of cigs in his car. i tell him to get it for me. this mu'fucka doesn't want to even walk downstairs to go get it.

ughhhhhhhh! i wanna choke him in front of jesus!!!

asshole.
but i still heart you.
fucker.




that is all.
Thanks...but NO fucking Thanks! (but i appreciate ya!)
i'm not tryna sound ungrateful, i'm not even tryna sound "princessy"... but i am seriously getting a little tired of my f r i e n d s (see how i use that term oh so loosely?) tryna hook me up... SCRATCH THAT... pimp me out.

is it so hard to believe that i AM really happy at where i'm at right now? do they not understand that i DON'T need to be "involved" to be happy? is it so hard to believe that i truly do not need a "man" to validate who i am?

i know who i am and i know what i am. i am confident at that.

i also know what i deserve. and it ain't that.

where the fuck is this all coming from you ask?

well, i have many friends, female and male. most of my female friends (even some of my male friends) ALWAYS try to "introduce" me to someone who they think would be "good for me". some of the folks i already know, even hung out with before, BUT... and i say fucking BUT, that does not mean that i want to "hook up" just cause i'm a single monster.

for example, my girl who i've known like almost my entirefuckinglife, ALWAYS tries to hook me up with her dude o' the day/night's homeboys. i'd hang out just to be the "wing...er...woman" but i'm just there for support. really i am. but she tries to feed my ego by saying these things that the homeboy has said. shit don't work on me hoe. like i said before. i know who i am and i know what i am. tell me something i don't know, thanks. then she gives me the, "c'mon girl. stop being so bougie. he's feeling you. he's cool as hell." um, yeah... he's cool... but so is ice... and i ain't finna stick ice cubes up my pussy.

so in closing, thanks girls/guys. but i don't need help. i'm not dating anymore anyway.
BUT...

if and when i choose to "hook up", i'm sure that i'll say something. i'm blunt like that.

...yup!
so your brain doesn't go on overload, i'll post more later.
i know, y'all missed me huh? *tear*...thanks!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

it's been a long fucking time...

...hey people.

i know, i know. i've been neglecting the blogger community for about 4 months or so.

i have a REALLY good reason though. for real.

i've been spending most of my time online on that crack addicting site called myspace, cause seriously, i connect with a lot of the people i actually call my "friends".

i started posting blogs there (on myspace) cause basically, i'm a lazy bitch and didn't want to post in 2 places, coupled with the fact that blogger started trippin' all of a sudden and was doing maintenance or some shit or another during the times that i felt compelled to write shit. and y'all KNOW i'm a conservationist, so i chucked up the dueces to blogger for a minute.

but, and i say fucking BUT... i've come to realize that there are waaaaaaaaaaay too many people on myspace and with my painful, but truthful observations, they too may know the folks i be talking shit about. so to avoid conflict and confrontation or a serious ass whoopin', cause seriously this island is so small 6 degrees of separation doesn't exisist, i am gonna start writing here as well... AGAIN.

if you wanna read some of the past shit that's been happening in my exciting life, (ok i tried to link my myspace page, but cause i've been away for so long i can't seem to remember how... but here's the damn link... http://www.myspace.com/caramel_milf) and send me a message to add you as a "friend", cause most, if not ALL of it is "friend" only accessible (unless you know my last name, and i HIGHLY doubt that you do).

so anyway, welcome me back bitches.






that is all.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

A Pedicure, Fish Sauce and Feel Good Expressions...



yesterday i went to get a pedicure. seems like a pretty normal thing for a princess to do right? yeah... that's what i thought.

so i enter the door of the non speaking engrish establishment, and the mama (damn they're everywhere huh?), asks what i need done. i tell her "pedicure". she then points in the general direction of where the spa pedicure chairs are, and says to one of the dudes, "ngo nga wen"... ok i made that shit up... she says "peh-day-kyooa" and skeedaddles him to his hustle. as i'm following him to the chair, he asks me how i'm doing, what's my name... you know basic questions. i mean, i've been to this establishment many o' times, but i've never had this dude fix my feet or hands.

so i get to the chair, start the vibration (no pun intended) and of course they be tryna upgrade all kind of shit while you're sitting in the chair... french manicure, additional $5 ($7-$10 in some other "uppity" places)... flowers/nail design, additional $5 per nail... manicure, $12... fill... you get the point. so i tell dude, i just want the francais por favor. so he started the pedicure did the basic filing, cutting, shaping, scraping, pumice stoning, etc. then came the massage...

why was this dude giving me the "feel good expressions" while massaging my feet? and why was he smiling (with teeth) when doing it? all he had left to say was, "do you like that? harder? deeper? does that feel good?mmmmm, say my name!"...and i woulda been through! the teeth alone gave me the creeps, and the smell of fish sauce in the air was not going well with his sex face.

don't get me wrong, the massage was spec-fucking-tacular... but the whole seduction scene i coulda lived without.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Where In The Fuck Is Jack???

i've been trying to find my friend "jack" for a minute now. i've searched everywhere for that asshole and he ain't nowhere to be found. he supposed to be where i leave him last, i KNOW i didn't move him, so where the hell is he? i swear even when you're "man" is not a living being, he still can't follow directions!

the last time this shit happened, i left my other "man" ("the rabbit" -from sex & the city, you gotta see the episode to appreciate the name) by my window sill and my wise ass homey tells me, "well maybe he hopped out the window"...yeah the mu'fucka is making jokes while i'm having a fucking crisis!

so now i have no other recourse but to take my ass to the store and get me another one.

but i'm lazy.

anyone want to get me another one?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I'm Just Sayin'...


i think i'm a funny bitch. well, witty is more the word for it. i can battle words/jokes/stories with the best.

but you know what i hate?

when you tell a joke or say something witty, and the person you're telling it to doesn't get it.

and you CAN'T explain it, cause the moment has passed.

and it's not me, really it isn't...cause i can talk to a whole 'nother person and say the EXACT same thing and they'll get it.

i guess i should stop hanging out with busters huh?

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

No Shit Talking = Disappointment



so i know you guys are dying to hear about felisha. i haven't posted nan'none about her for a hot minute. but seriously, this will be disappointing.

really it is.

so we went out last night to the "i-don't-even-know-why-they-call-it-this-cause-the-bitch-closes-at-1-AND-they-shut-off-the-AC-to-get-drunk-bitches-out" all nighter @ hickam. rolled with the usual folks. but one of them folks was REALLY drunk before we even got there... but that will come later.

so while we're there, in walks felisha.

and hot doggy, she gots on a totally new outfit! i mean... down to the shoes new! the only thing that was the same was those tired ass stunna shades she's been wearing to the club lately. but i must admit, she did look semi cute. she even had a non-bootleg baby phat belt on. ooooooooh and guess what? she had a drink in her hand. AN ALCOHOLIC DRINK!

i guess she got the memo on the broked-ness behavior clause.

so there's the update... i told y'all you'd be disappointed. can't clown on someone that doesn't deserve to be.

Monday, July 03, 2006

More Random Thoughts...

friday night was comical.

i saw D4L and dem franchize boyz @ pipeline.

you think i'm lying huh?

ok, ok... i am. but them mu'fuckas dressed like them, walked (in a pack) like them, leaned with it, rocked with it, did the "snap" dance... in line, was thinking to themselves: "oh i think she likes me", AND looked just as ugly as them fools did. from the white stunna shades to the gold teef-asus!! i think one of them even had a fur coat on.

"i wanna da-nah-nah (OH!) cuz you so thick" -laffy taffy (D4L)

ok, i was kidding about the fur coat. i woulda been THRU if i saw dude with a fur coat on in a club... IN HAWAII!! you KNOW i would have pictures of that fool.

OMG... nevermind. i did see a dude with a black fur coat, pimp hat, gold teefs and a bad perm up in zanzabar one night.

no, i don't have pictures.

i was laughing so hard i almost peed.

i couldn't even look at him in the eye. had to use the peripherals.

speaking of "pimps"... why is it that every 3 or 4 card carrying members of "i wanna look like i got cheese but i really ain't got shit" folks had bottle service on friday night?

for you slow fucks, that means... why was these fools carrying around their champagne glasses and bottle of "mo-debt" in their hands walking around the club to front like they got cheddar instead of being real hood and just having a god damn seat?

everywhere you go, you see the same hoes!

someone texted me last night @ 2:33 am, "u ain't in the club tonight"

"you can find me in the club, bottle full of bub. look mami i got the X if you into taking drugs. i'm into having sex, i ain't into making love. so come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed." -in da club (49 cent)

what.the.fuck?

can't a bitch stay home sometimes?

thing is, i don't know who it was that text'd me.

nextel sucks ass, it doesn't say who it's coming from.

as a matter o' fact wiseass-that-texted-me-during-fucking-booty-call-hours i was home on saturday night too sucka!!

yup. you read right. i stayed home.

went to a bbq on saturday. (thanks for the invite PIT) had some hella good grub. listened to some music and played some cards.

whatchu know about that?

oh there was this dude that was friggin' hilarious... he was kinda cute too.

he said my eyes were "slanty".

um hello? i'm asian.

i think he was tryna say i was looking buzzed.

if he only knew.

"i can tell you ain't just another bitch I met, ain't nobody got me open like this, not yet. you confused ain't decided which way you should go yet, so how you keep sayin no with yo panties so wet." -why you wanna (that's just my baby daddy, T.mutha fucking I.)

speaking of "buzzed"... i was sooooo buzzin' on friday night.

people were talking to me, and i saw their mouths moving, i was nodding my head to everything they were saying, but i swear there was NO sound coming out of their mouths.
you would call that "buzzed" right?

ok, getting back to saturday... yeah i switch gears without letting people know.

i watched love jones for the 1222654wa858896lk25468 time.

that movie never gets old.

"shouldn't i realize, you're the highest of the high. 'N if you don't know then i'll say it, so don't ever wonder. don't ever wonder. so tell me how long, how long it's gonna take until you speak baby. 'cause i can't live my life without you here by my side" -ascension don't ever wonder (maxwell)

oh... and i watched old school.

you know... to balance the feeling-all-alone-on-saturday-night-and-i-am-watching-this-never-gonna-happen-to-me-love-fucking-jones movie.

yeah, i'm a true libra folks... gotta have that "balance".

went to the beach on sunday.

dammit i was burning out there.

it felt like i got stuck in the oven for a minute....or five.

then my "electic" friend told me i looked red when he came over.

yeah... thanks.

but i still think i is sexy!!

"i'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat, poor pussy poor pussy cat." -i'm too sexy (right said fred)

i know you think i is too "friend"... LOL

oh yeah... one word... "spec-fucking-tacular".

35 more days 'til chicago....call me teej!

oh and if you're wondering... i'll be out tonight suckas!!

does that mean you can text/call me at 2 am?

NO!!